[ Music ]
>> So, drop those pants
because it's time
for "Toilet Wars."
>> Come on, please?
Just do it.
>> No.
>> Why not?
>> Piper, I said no
and no means no, okay?
I don't have time
for this, okay?
>> Why not?
>> I have a girlfriend.
I have a job.
What are you talking about?
[ yelling all at once ]
[ screaming ]
>> Dad, will you talk to him?
>> Look what I'm painting.
It's called a "g'nome".
>> It's gorgeous.
Now will you please
tell Henry that he should
coach my basketball team?
>> The Woodpeckers
need a new coach?
>> Yes.
>> I'll do it.
>> No. Gross.
We want you.
>> Oh.
No.
[ doorbell rings ]
>> I'll get it.
>> Henry.
>> I have to pay attention
to the opening
of our front door.
>> Sushi Dushi.
>> Hey.
I think I left
my wallet upstairs.
>> Well, go get it.
>> Right.
>> Hey. Yo.
Sushi guy.
>> Yeah, what's up?
>> Can you believe
I have a brother who refuses
to coach my basketball team?
>> Piper, this guy
doesn't care about us
or your basketball team.
>> Actually, I care very much.
>> See?
He cares.
Why do you care?
>> Well, because my kid brother,
Ricky, when he was ten,
he asked me to coach
his little league baseball team.
But I said I was too busy,
like a fool.
>> Dad, the sushi guy's waiting! >> So, what happened? >> Ricky quit baseball.
Then, when he turned 18,
he became a bull fighter.
>> Okay, see?
That's exciting.
Things turned out good.
>> No.
Because on Ricky's very first
bull fight, he got gored.
>> Oh my gosh, is he okay?
>> Eh, he's sort of okay.
As long
as he's not sitting down.
Or standing up.
Poor kid.
Oh, why didn't I just say yes
when he asked me
to coach his team?
[ blows whistle ] >> Come on, Woodpeckers! Show me some hustle!
What's that, a taco salad? Yeah. Okay, now let's see a lay-up!
>> What?
[ mumbling ]
[ blows whistle ]
>> Catch!
[ grunts ]
>> Whoa!
[ grunting ]
[ groaning ]
>> Aw.
Dang it. Why would you put your taco salad
right where I'm sitting?
>> It all just kind of happened. >> My dad was an irresponsible scientist.
>> I wanted an after-school job.
>> And by accident,
he made me indestructible.
Ah!
>> I went into this crazy store
and met
a pretty interesting guy.
>> I'm going to blow your mind.
Now I protect
the good citizens of Swellview.
who call me...
>> He turned out to be...
>> You know the name.
>> Captain Man!
>> That's right, Henry.
In time, I realized that
being a superhero
is a lot to handle alone.
>> He wanted some help.
>> I needed a sidekick.
>> I, Henry Hart...
>> Pledge to never ever ever
tell anyone...
>> That I'm Captain Man's
secret sidekick.
>> It is done.
>> Now we blow bubbles.
>> And fight crime.
>> Feels good.
>> Call it.
>> Up the tube!
Oh, my boot.
>> Ha!
>> We're back.
>> Hey.
>> How was your camping trip?
>> Oh, it was so much fun.
I went swimming
in Lake Swellview.
>> Yeah.
Which would've been great
if he'd brought a swimsuit.
>> What's wrong
with swimming naked?
>> You were scaring the fish.
>> I'm going to my room
and shave off my beard.
>> [ laughs ]
You call that a beard?
>> Yeah.
What else would I call this?
>> You could call it
a face bush.
>> I'm just saying
this is the start
of a real man's beard.
>> Pish. I can grow more hair on my rump than you can grow
on your face.
>> Your rump is no match
for my face.
>> All right, boys,
let's not go getting all stupid.
>> You guys should have
a beard battle.
>> Yes.
>> Dude.
>> Six weeks.
Whoever grows
the biggest beard wins.
>> And the loser has to...
>> Eat the winner's beard hair.
>> It's a bet.
>> No, no, see, I said
don't go getting all stupid.
>> Okay. You guys are the Woodpeckers. And everyone says
you're the worst team
in the league.
>> No, no, no.
See, no, that's a bad thing.
See, you just have
to practice hard
and have a winning attitude
in order to not be the worst.
So, what's our goal?
>> To get less worse? >> Sure, okay, I'll take that. Come on, guys.
Let's get...
>> Less worse?
>> Louder.
Let's get...
>> Less worse.
>> Let's get...
>> Less worse!
>> On your feet!
Everybody up!
Let's get...
>> Less worse!
>> Let's get...
>> Less worse!
>> Let's get...
>> Less worse!
>> Let's get...
>> Less worse!
[ blows whistle ]
>> Yeah. Be maniacs. Maniacs on the floor. [ blows whistle ]
[ grunts ]
[ grunting ]
>> Sophie! [ blows whistle ]
Piper!
Perfect!
[ blows whistle ]
Come on, Woodpeckers! Be maniacs! Be maniacs on the floor!
Boom!
>> Yeah! >> [ grunts ] Time out, time out, time out.
>> Whistle!
[ blows whistle ]
Time out Woodpeckers!
>> Okay, what's wrong
with you guys?
>> We're only down by three.
>> Well, you'd be winning
if you'd listen
to what I keep telling you.
Now, Jacob, you got
to protect the ball, all right?
>> Okay.
>> And Hannah,
when we have the ball,
you can't just stand there.
Get open.
>> Got it.
>> Now, Piper,
you got to quit being lazy
on defense, all right?
Move your feet.
[ horn blares ]
>> Whistle!
[ blows whistle ]
Woodpeckers, take the floor!
>> All right, get out there
and make me proud!
Let's go!
Hey! Woodpecker parents! I want to see you get up and make some noise
for your kids!
Come on!
[ cheering ]
>> Whistle! [ blows whistle ]
[ cheering ]
>> Piper, steal it!
Yeah. No, no, no! That basket! That basket!
[ cheering ] [ horn blares ]
>> Uh...hello? >> Hello, Henry. >> Hi.
I got a message telling me
to come here.
>> We know.
>> We sent the message.
>> We're the board.
>> The board?
>> The Swellview Tween
Athletic Board.
>> STAB.
>> We're in charge
of the junior basketball league.
>> Please, sit down.
>> Is it okay if I just stand? >> We prefer you sit.
>> Could I have a bigger chair? >> [ all ] No.
>> Did... did I really do something wrong? >> Well, we don't like
the word "wrong."
>> But yes.
>> You did something wrong.
>> Come on, Woodpeckers! Be maniacs! Maniacs on the floor!
Boom!
>> Yeah?
>> You can't shout
at children like that.
>> It could cause them
to feel bad about themselves.
>> But they didn't feel bad.
They won, and they were
really excited about it.
>> Show him the other thing.
>> Hey! Woodpecker parents! I want to see you get up and make some noise
for your kids!
Come on!
I... I don't get it.
>> Clearly.
>> Henry, you were urging
the parents to cheer
for their children.
>> Loudly.
>> So?
>> Well, when they're cheering
for their own children,
that could make
the other children
feel less than.
>> I... I was just trying
to teach the kids
to play better and win.
>> Well, that's not what
a good coach does.
>> I think it is.
>> The goal is
for all the children to have
the exact same experience.
>> So, please,
no more shouting or criticizing.
>> Only say
nice positive things.
>> All right, got it.
>> And no more encouraging
the parents to hoot and holler.
>> So...
the parents can't cheer
for their own kids?
>> Correct.
But they can applaud softly.
>> Like this.
>> Okay. >> Thank you for your time.
[ elevator dings ] [ chatter ] >> I told you
that poor crazy girl.
>> [ laughs ]
>> Schwoz! >> Ah!
>> Hi. Hey there. Hey. >> Cheater. You're a dirty cheater.
>> Why is he a cheater?
>> That machine is a B.E.D.
A beard enhancement device.
>> No it's not, I swear.
I swear to the gods it's not.
I swear on my life.
I swear on Charlotte's life.
I'm telling the truth.
>> No, you're lying.
>> Ah, so what?
>> You listen to me,
you fuzzy little cheater, I--
>> Hey!
Nobody said there was
a rule against using
beard enhancement devices.
>> Ha!
>> Oh, oh, oh, okay.
Okay. Fine.
I thought we were having
a fair and natural beard growing
contest, but since we're not,
maybe I'll just use
this thing myself.
>> Hey, get out of my machine.
>> No.
>> Hey.
>> What? I'm using it.
Hey.
Come on. Here we go.
No. Ah!
No, not the beard.
>> Whistle! [ blows whistle ] Traveling!
Armadillo's ball!
>> Come on, Jacob!
I told you a thousand times
that...
>> [ clears throat ]
>> That...
that you're doing terrific!
[ laughs ]
Just like all you kids.
You're all equal and terrific
no matter what you do.
[ cheering ]
>> Yeah! [ cheering ] [ horn blaring ]
>> That's the game!
Woodpeckers win!
>> Yeah, nice shot. You guys did it. You beat the best team
in the league.
>> I think that makes us
the best team in the league.
>> Yeah.
[ talking all at once ]
Yeah we are.
And Sophie,
you were our high scorer.
>> I was?
>> Yep.
And that means you get...
this.
>> Wow.
>> Awesome trophy, Sophie.
>> Great job, kid.
I'm really proud of you.
>> Henry, I assume you know the problem. >> Yeah.
You always freeze frame
on my face looking hideous.
>> You gave that little girl
a trophy.
>> So?
>> So, you gave her
special attention that
the other children didn't get.
>> That's disgusting.
>> Why?
That's Sophie.
She's been practicing
harder than anyone.
And she was the best player.
>> No, all the children
were the best players.
>> Don't you see?
>> I really don't.
>> Henry, please,
just admit that
what you did was terrible.
>> It was disgusting.
>> Okay, so, what
do you want me to do?
Take the cool trophy away
from the sweet little girl,
and give everyone a trophy?
Congratulations, Jacob. You get this participation award.
Congratulations, Piper. >> Yeah, thanks. This means so much.
>> Sorry, Sophie. I'm going to have to take that back from you.
>> But why?
>> Apparently it's disgusting.
>> Hey. >> Hello.
>> The... beard enhancement device works really well.
>> Also, you dribbled
on your sweater.
>> Jasper? What are you doing up there? >> I'm lowering this basket.
>> Lowering the--why?
>> She told me if I didn't,
the board would
take away my whistle.
>> Hey, what's going on? You brought the tiny chair?
>> Your Woodpeckers have become a problem. >> They've been scoring
too many points.
>> So we're lowering the basket
for the other teams
to make the game fair.
>> Oh my god.
>> Henry, our job
as decent adults is to make sure
that no child ever loses.
>> Or feels bad.
>> But don't you get it?
Sometimes it's good
when a kid loses and feels bad.
>> Oh my god.
>> No he didn't.
>> That's disgusting.
>> No, no, see,
the Woodpeckers used to lose
and feel bad
but that's what made them
want to practice harder
and get better,
and now they're winning
and feel great.
Don't you see?
Sometimes kids need
to experience failure
in order to grow
and learn how to be--
>> Hey!
Who turned off the--
[ crash ]
[ thud ]
>> I'll find another boy to lower the basket.
>> Beard contest. Dumbest thing I ever heard. [ elevator dings ]
>> Hey, Charlotte. >> Hi, Charlotte. >> All right, I'm ready to...
>> Notice anything different?
>> Yeah, what happened
to your beards?
>> Well, they were
too long and itchy.
>> Yeah, so uncomfortable.
>> Yeah, that whole
beard contest thing
was a stupid idea.
>> So stupid.
>> Oh, really?
>> But you know that woman,
Vasilla, who knows how to knit?
>> No.
>> Well, she's a woman.
And we had her make you...
this.
>> [ both ] Ta da.
>> It's a sweater.
>> Made from our beard hair.
>> Thank you so much.
[ cheering ]
>> Time out! Time out! Time out! >> Whistle! [ blows whistle ]
Time out, Woodpeckers!
>> Come on, we can't give up.
>> This game isn't even fair.
[ talking all at once ]
>> Yeah, you're right.
This game isn't fair.
So, we could just
give up and go home.
[ chatter ]
>> No, no, no.
Wait, wait, wait. No, no.
I was just
taking a dramatic pause.
>> Okay, what are you saying?
>> I'm saying...
Piper, quit playing so lazy. When you're on defense, keep your hands up.
>> Okay.
>> All right, Tyler, Hannah,
you got to play smarter.
If you don't have a clear shot,
pass the ball like I taught you.
>> Got it, Coach.
>> All right, Sophie,
I want to see you hustling
up and down this court
or tomorrow
you're running laps.
You hear me?
>> Yeah, Coach.
>> All right, and Steve,
Put the taco salad down.
>> Whistle! [ blows whistle ] >> All right, get out there
and be the best!
[ cheering ]
And you, Woodpecker parents,
get off your aging butts
and cheer for your kids.
[ cheering ]
[ horn blaring ]
>> You've got a lot of nerve, Henry Hart. >> Thanks.
And I got you guys something, too.
Congratulations, you get this useless award.
Congratulations, you get this pointless award.
Congratulations, you get this disgusting award.
Bleh, la, la, la, la. See you, STAB. >> Hey, you guys won.
>> I know.
>> Well, come on,
I'll take you and your team
and Charlotte out to celebrate.
>> Okay.
Where's Charlotte?
>> She-- Charlotte?
Charlotte!
>> What are you wearing? >> Beard hair.
[ makes goofy noises ]
>> That's disgusting.